This weekend I went on a trip to the beach with my Intervarsity chapter.Every year the the chapter gets together,breaks off into different cars,and makes the two hour trek to the beach.Once there we worship God,hear messages from out staff worker,spend quiet alone time with the Lord,and break off into smaller groups to answer questions and get entirely emotional,and open with people. So this trip I wasnt really excited to go,I mean my other option was to stay home,go to the football game,and drink with friends. Instead I decided that I should really go on this vacation,if not simply for the fact that I didn't want to go. So I get there and all I can feel is alone,since the people that were there were the people that I don't talk to all that much,and the people that I do were flitting around the room.So a lonely beginning soon gives way to wonderful time in worship,and a decent talk. Then we broke up into small groups,and the group I happened to have did make me slightly uncomfortable. It was the guy that confuses the crap out of me,the guy that I know and talk to,but feel like doesn't really like me,the one that really strong and Jesus,and a few others that I was cool with. The first small group was good,it was fun I got to unwind. After that during free time a large group of us decided to run to the beach and walk it.So of course stupid me followed my friend,and a rush into the water.What started out as only being the bottom of my calf soon turned to pretty much waist deep. So after that we got to walk the beach,which was wonderful and made me feel so free! Walking there was good and fun,but the walk back sucked,for in front of me was my crush,walking incredibly close to another girl,a girl he had asked me personally about before.So as the jealousy coursed through me I tried to ignore it and focus on my friends,and singing,and yes spinning like a fool.We get back to the house,and when it's time to leave we cant find my friends keys,so I go searching downstairs where its like a barrier of people.I'm asking for keys and the bathroom door opens,and low and behold the man on my mind pokes his head out(with a bit of shoulder and collar bone) and asks if anyone knows how to start the shower.I freak try to rush out,guys are blocking my way,so finally I just exclaimed"Let me out theres a naked man down here" it didn't get me out any faster but I did get out. So upstairs were just relaxing waiting to see if someone finds the keys. Then he comes up,hair wet and spiked,wearing a tank top(or w/e) with the most adorable pair of glasses! Not only can I see his defined arms,but also an awesome tattoo on his shoulder. Can you say melt? My crush is not up to major proportions. But anyway after talking to him a little,and finally reveling to my friend that I like him we leave. The next day is tiring and even more of a heart ache. After little sleep due to a freezing room and the wind from the hurricane blowing outside,i chug half a cup of coffee and settle in for an awesome worship session.After worship,while sitting for quiet time God just kinda smacks me around a few times,like yo listen to me! So then My friend,and future staff member gets up and talks,even more of a smack cause it's all about loving yourself and how media destroys our mind and image(the point of the whole retreat).After the talk is the dreaded small group time,where everyone cry's as they tell their stories. So as I recount my tale of depression,abuse,and such I actually dont cry,probably because I sped over it,but it was nice getting it off my chest.We make lunch and then settle in trying to figure out what to do with our 6 hours of free time. Decision :large group of us use the house next doors game room. So were over there playing pingpong9or in my case,getting hit by the ping pong) and my crush out of nowhere asked if I want a hug.Internally I'm like"Of course,hug me and never let go" but on the outside I'm skeptical and asking why.So anyway I hug his and it's wonderful and when we part I ask why he wanted to hug me.His espouse"Because I'm sweaty."Wonderful. So the rest of the break goes with me getting upset watching him and another chick hang out,and getting angry and frustrated from being trapped indoors. a little later in free time my friend asks if I wanna go in the garage and talk,so we do.I find out a secret of hers,that I can totally relate to,and breaks my heart.As were talking the power goes out.We fly from the garage to the safety of our clan in the stairwell and sit there for a sec. So dinner is served in the dark,and worship is as well. Now most people would freak at having worship by candle,but theres nothing more powerful than singing How He Loves in the dark during a hurricane! so we go through awesome worship,and the power comes on right after that. So the message that night was really good,too and small groups was good.The dance party not so much,as times it was fun,but it just made me angry and jealous and not at all how I should have been.  So we left and I decided that night that I wouldn't let him walk me home anymore and I would distance myself from him(something I'm still trying to see and decide). So sunday rolls around im tired,and ready to go home,I've lost my ride.So I end up riding with friends and him.We stay to help clean up and that was fine,until I saw him and the other girl but w/e ride home was good,a lot of sleeping and stuff.But once I got home I blared Taylor Swift for a little while and cleaned,before realizing that what I was doing was wrong and stupid and that I should be praying and listening to worship music.The worship music helped a ton.So this whole story is just the background for why I decided to start this blog. Everyday I'm going to try to write a letter to God about whatever I want,or feel like writing. This all started with a boy,a weekend with God,and a brilliant speech from our staff worker and one of my friends.